I Wonder

I started my blog in 2018. Like most of you, I had so many thoughts and questions that plagued my mind for far too long. Writing them down is my attempt to make sense of things my rational mind can’t always comprehend.  

Thanks for joining me on this ride!

Worry

“Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how its meant to be.”  Anonymous 

I Worried

I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers flow in the right direction, will the earth turn as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows 
can do it and I am, well, hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia?
Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning, and sang.

Mary Oliver

As 2020 ended, I started reflecting on all of the various events that took place during the year. I am positive that not one person predicted a pandemic and some of the other events that unfolded in 2020.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m a bit of a worrier. But I think of this process not as worry, but more of a planning and preparation exercise so that if something that concerns me does that in fact happen, I have a plan A, B, C, etc. And although I know worrying is often pointless and a vast majority of what we worry about never comes to pass, I still can’t seem to shake the habit.

I’ve often envied and frankly judged those who don’t seem to worry or really care about certain things. Are they clueless? Inconsiderate about others? Or maybe they just aren’t that deep. I actually told someone recently that in some ways, I wish I had the personality that just didn’t really seem to care or worry about anything. That seems incomprehensible to me, but also very freeing. Like a child that moves from one interesting moment to the next, no real care in the world, just experiencing life as it unfolds. (I just took a deep breath when I wrote that, pure bliss. I can’t recall feeling that way, ever).

I’ve lost track of the things I worried about in 2020. Some of the highlights were of course what if Ross and I catch COVID-19? Would we survive? Or what if we gave it to someone and they died? We would carry that grief around for the rest of our lives. I felt enormous responsibility to keep my co-workers and customers safe even though many didn’t seem to be worried or actually seemed resentful of the procedures that we put in place to keep everyone safe. I worried about the Presidential elections and how they could change our future. I worried about the various disenfranchised groups in our society who finally rose up and said, enough. I worried about food and toilet paper (WTF). I honestly woke up most days feeling as though I was going into a battle of some sort and wasn’t really sure where or when the enemy might appear. I wasn’t completely sure what my responses should be, but I needed to be prepared.

And so fast forward to today. As I look back over the year, most of what I was concerned about never happened. Was it my worry and preparation that prevented it from happening? And what about the people who worried just like me and their worst fears actually did come true? And what price did I pay for all of that unnecessary worry? I’m thinking about my blog “The Fog”. 

I wonder.